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O to be a Women

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Beerbohm, Jun 5, 2005.

  1. All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless
    removal,
    the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop,
    and
    now The Wax.

    My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from
    work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had
    the
    thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours:

    maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.

    I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um,
    I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a
    clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel
    them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the
    frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background.
    No
    muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girly-est of

    girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this

    works. You'd think.

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's twostrips facing each
    other,
    stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften
    the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer!


    And heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass.
    (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip
    across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull.

    OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I
    can
    do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of
    all
    wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!

    With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking on the boy and
    verifying that he was, in fact, becoming one with Bear and learning all

    about smells, I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting

    Championship.

    I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
    procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my
    bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching up
    into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)
    I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind! Blind
    from the pain!

    ...... Vision returning. Oh crap I've managed to pull off half an
    inch
    of the strip. Another deep breathe. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly
    and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal
    again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused
    me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph
    over body hair.

    I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist. But why is there
    no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone? Where could the wax
    go, if not on the strip?

    Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.
    I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel.

    I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently
    shout "nooooooo!!"

    And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of
    "The Tar Baby."

    I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that

    is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big
    mistake up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the
    toilet. I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot
    down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.

    Vagina? Sealed shut.

    Butt? Sealed shut.

    A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to poop anytime
    soon. Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the
    bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.
    I know - Hot water!

    Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in
    -
    the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?

    WRONG!

    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to
    torture
    prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the
    only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having
    them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In
    scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

    So now I'm stuck to the tub. I call my friend, C, because she once
    dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge
    or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation
    with

    "So my butt and vagina are stuck to the tub"

    She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter. She

    wants to know exactly where the wax is on the butt. "Are we talking
    cheek or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the
    giggles now.

    I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the

    number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for
    where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help

    line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed

    shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for
    everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the
    internet if you tell them the truth.

    While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping
    the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly
    goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super
    hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

    In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to
    other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the

    lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and
    start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty
    congratulations from C and we hang up.

    I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the
    Hair is still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was
    numb
    by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my
    medicine cabinet. Why? Because never know when a moustache might
    start to come in.

    Tonight, I attempt hair dying.
     
    Powderkeg likes this.

  2. Kolat

    Kolat emw2k9 beer pong champions

    for the first half of that I thought it was actully a story by beerbohm about his own experience....

    T
     
  3. Me too!!!
     
  4. That is seriously one of the funnests posts I have ever read on any forum crackup:

    I think next time you need to post pics with it though :oops:
     
  5. Thought the same thing. Was thinking WTF? Why would he want to be telling us this?
     
  6. lol, got a good chuckle when I read it to my wife, too
     
  7. man, i'm a dude and that made me hurt down there.