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OT: Best Divorce Letter Ever!

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by beansbaxter, Oct 13, 2004.

  1. Dear Connie,
    I know the counselor said we shouldn't
    contact each other during our "cooling
    off" period, but I couldn't wait
    anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd
    never talk to you again. But that was
    just the wounded little boy in me
    talking. Still, I never wanted to be the
    first one to make contact. In my
    fantasies, it was always you who would
    come crawling back
    to me. I guess my pride needed that. But
    now I see that my pride's cost me a lot
    of things. I'm tired of pretending I
    don't miss you. I don't care about
    looking bad anymore. I don't care who
    makes the first move as long as one of
    us does. Maybe it's time we let our
    hearts
    speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is
    what my heart says: "There's no one like
    you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes
    and breasts of every woman I see, but
    they're not you. They're not even close.
    Two weeks ago, I met this girl at
    Flamingos and brought her home with me.
    I don't say this to hurt you, but just
    to illustrate the depth of my
    desperation. She was young, maybe 19,
    with one of those perfect bodies that
    only youth and maybe a childhood spent
    ice skating
    can give you. I mean, just a perfect
    body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and
    an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every
    man's dream, right? But as I sat on the
    couch being blown by this stunner, I
    thought, look at the stuff we've made
    important in our lives. It's all so
    superficial. What does a perfect body
    mean? Does it make her better in bed?
    Well, in this case, yes, but you see
    what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
    better person?
    Does she have a better heart than my
    moderately attractive Connie? I
    doubt it. And I'd never really thought
    of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm
    just
    growing up a little. Later, after I'd
    tossed her about a half a pint of throat
    yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do
    I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't
    just her flawless technique or her
    slutty,hameless hunger, but something
    else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why
    did it feel so incomplete? And then it
    hit me. It didn't feel the same weren't
    there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
    Nothing feels the same without you.
    Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy
    without you. And everything I do just
    reminds me of you.
    Do you remember Carol, that single mom
    we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last
    year? Well, she dropped by last week
    with a pan of lasagna. She said she
    figured I wasn't eating right without a
    woman around. I didn't know what she
    meant till later, but that's not the
    real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses
    of wine and the next thing you know,
    we're banging away in
    our old bedroom. And this tart's a total
    monster in the sack. She's giving me
    everything, you know, like a real woman
    does when she's not hung up
    about her weight or her career and
    whether the kids can hear us. And all of
    a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror
    on your grandmother's old vanity.
    So she puts it on the floor and we
    straddle it, right, so we can watch
    ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it
    makes me sad,too. Cause I can't help
    thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put
    the mirror on the floor?
    We've had this old vanity for what, 14
    years, and we never used it as a sex
    toy."
    Saturday, your sister drops by with my
    copy of the restraining order. I mean,
    Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's
    got a pretty good head on her shoulders
    and she's been a real friend to me
    during
    this painful time.
    She's given me lots of good advice about
    you and about women in general.
    She's pulling for us to get back
    together, Connie, she really is. So
    we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble
    bath and talking about happier times.
    Here's this teenage girl with the same
    DNA as you and all I can do is
    think of how much she looked like you
    when you were 18. And that just about
    makes me cry. And then it turns out
    Vicky's really into the whole anal
    thing,
    that gets me to thinking about how many
    times I pressured you about trying it
    and how that probably fueled some of the
    bitterness between us. But do you
    see how even then, when I'm thrusting
    inside your baby sister's cinnamon
    ring, all I can do is think of you? It's
    true, Connie.In your heart you must know
    it. Don't you think we could start over?
    Just wipe out all the grievances away
    and start fresh? I think we can.
    If you feel the same please, please,
    please let me know. Otherwise, can
    you let me know where the fucking remote
    is.
    Love,
    Dan
     
  2. 820320RR

    820320RR Rub me, I sparkle!

    Now that is insightful!
     

  3. Beans, How did you get a copy of my letter?.... crackup:
     
  4. you havent been at any of the recent bike nights to get your letter back
     
  5. That's totally harsh and too funny.
     
  6. monica

    monica SV Baby

    thats awesome. crackup:
     
  7. Holy shit man. Totally crap day, and that made it all better.
     
  8. Sorry Beans, I have had a pinched nerve in my neck and have not been riding for 3 weeks...... I can't ride when I take my Percocet and flexaril... I am hoping that I can make it next monday..... Going for a MRI on friday...... Peace out!
     
  9. Too funny, sick crackup: crackup: crackup:
     
  10. G-Spot

    G-Spot Pint Size Pimpin'

    With a females point of view in writing that and it would sound like something I would send Paul! j/k
     
  11. do you really have nothing better to do than dredge up old posts?
     
  12. I'm glad he did cause this shit is hilarious
     
  13. My letter went,

    Darling;
    Today as I was staring at you for 2 hours through the scope of my hunting rifle outside the living room window of our old house, I realized how much I really missed you. I wish you could understand that it took everything I had not to tear up and keep the sights on your beautiful face. I really did miss you alot and think that was the problem so I am hoping this letter will help me cope. Well, there is always tomorrow.

    I am sure I will stop missing you, my aim is improving.
     
  14. thank you
     
  15. Wow, I can't believe I posted this in 2004 lol
     
  16. Texasl

    Texasl Totally Charming Retired Moderator

    I can't even remember some (okay, many) of the things I did in 2004.
     
  17. holy thread bump!!!!!!!!!!!
     
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