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The joke thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by Skier, Jun 17, 2005.

  1. I'll kick this thread off with some timeless classics, such as Michael Jackson jokes.

    How can you tell when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
    When the big hand touches the little hand.

    Mr. Jackson is starting a new line of businesswear in Japan. He says that if the lineup is successful, he'll get into boy's pants.

    Bonus video clip of Triump, the Insult Comic Dog at the Jackson trial (39 megs, please don't share this link outside the forum or it's gonna be taken down): http://screaming3d.com/not_pics/jackson.wmv
     
  2. Heres one for all hte annoying people....68 ways to annoy people...

    1. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

    2. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

    3. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting
    entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

    4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking
    to others.

    5. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

    6. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
    copies.

    7. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

    8. Sniffle incessantly.

    9. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

    10. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
    11. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
    upstairs for "violating your airspace.


    12. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real
    hoot."

    13. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your
    boss.

    14. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play
    along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

    15. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

    16. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

    17. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
    silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.

    18. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

    19. Give a play by play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard
    Cosell voice.

    20. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to
    others that you "like it that way."

    21. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

    22. Ask 1 800 operators for dates.

    23. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

    24. Sew anti theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

    25. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

    26. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

    27. Honk and wave to strangers.

    28. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

    29. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
    30. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental
    movies.

    31. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
    mints by the cash register.

    32. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

    33. only type in lowercase.

    34. dont use any punctuation either

    35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

    36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

    37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

    38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.



    39. Write "X BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someones roadmaps.

    40. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."

    41. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

    42. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

    43. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

    44. Stand over someones shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

    45. Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

    46. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
    When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

    47. Ask people what gender they are.

    48. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in
    the tray.

    49. Hum songs that will remain lodged in co workers brains, such as "Feliz
    Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

    50. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

    51. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day..

    52. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in
    the phone book, claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each
    "a."

    53. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they
    slow down.

    54. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

    55. Wear a LOT of cologne.

    56. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
    necessary because of your "superior mental processing."


    57. Sing along at the opera.

    58. Mow your lawn with scissors.

    59. At a golf tournament, chant "swing batabatabata suhWING batter!"

    60. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

    61. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

    62. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

    63. Never make eye contact.

    64. Never break eye contact.

    65. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

    66. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

    67. Invite lots of people to other peoples parties.
     

  3. Couple more Michael jokes.

    I heard he was back in the hospital.... He choked on a 10 year old weiner. :shock:


    There was also a report that he was wearing a nicotine patch on his downstairs business. When asked why, he responded that he was told to wear it there and it was working great. They then asked him how he knew it was working so well and he replied.. "I don't know but I'm down to two butts a day" crackup:
     
  4. How do you get a job working for the city of spokane?

    Go to city hall, 3rd floor, get down on your knees and face West

    :shock:

    E
     
  5. You work for the City of Spokane... do I really want to know?!?!
     
  6. KCander

    KCander El Duderino "Old Timer"

    An old favorite of mine:

    Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork up his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork up your ass?"
    The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Genie came oozing out. He said, "I am a Genie, I can grant you one wish. And I said, "No Shit!"

    :mrgreen:
     
  7. GLN (Good-Looking Nerd) : "Can I help you?"

    MHP (Mississippi Highway Patrolman) : "Do you know how fast you were going, boy?"

    GLN : "I'm not sure. The needle doesn't reach the high numbers very well. I would estimate somewhere between 80 and 85, closer to 85."

    MHP : "You were going 84 miles an hour."

    GLN : "See, I was close. I must've been going uphill."

    MHP : "What was that?"

    GLN : "Oh, nothing. Is there some reason you pulled me over?"

    MHP : "I'm going to have to give you a ticket, boy."

    GLN : "No thank you."

    MHP : "What was that?"

    GLN : "If it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon you keep your ticket. I don't really have any use for one."

    MHP : "Don't try to weasel your way out of this, boy. I'm going to give you a ticket."

    GLN : "What for?"

    MHP : "WHAT FOR??? Speeding, that's what!"

    GLN : "You mean you're going to give me a ticket for going two miles per hour over the speed limit?"

    MHP : "TWO MILES??? Don't you know what the speed limit is, boy?"

    GLN : "It's posted on the white sign with black letters, right?"

    MHP : "Right."

    GLN : "82. That's what the sign said, '82.'"

    MHP : "That's not the speed limit. This is highway 82."

    GLN : "I thought this was highway 55. It goes through Winona."

    MHP : "55 is the speed limit. This is highway 82. I-55 goes through Memphis and Jackson."

    GLN : "But I'm going to Starkville, not Memphis or Jackson. You must be confused."

    MHP : "This is NOT I-55. This IS highway 82, and it does go to Starkville."

    GLN : "That's right. I'm going to Starkville on highway 55, and the speed limit is 82. I don't think you should give me a ticket for going two miles over the speed limit."

    MHP : "The speed limit is 55. Didn't you see the sign with the words 'SPEED LIMIT' and the number '55' on it?"

    GLN : "I was wondering why they would write that on the sign telling the name of the highway."

    MHP : "It ISN'T the highway sign. The highway is 82, and the speed limit is 55."

    GLN : "Do you think you could hurry up and get to the point? I'm kind of in a hurry."

    MHP : "Is this your car?"

    GLN : "Yes, do you like it?"

    MHP : "Would you turn down that music?"

    GLN : "It's Aretha Franklin. It goes with the car, don't you think? What are you doing?"

    MHP : "I'm writing you a ticket."

    GLN : "For going two miles over the speed limit?"

    MHP : "No, for going TWENTY-NINE miles an hour over the speed limit."

    GLN : "Do you think that's unsafe?"

    MHP : "Absolutely. It's very unsafe."

    GLN : "If I was going so fast, then how did you catch me?"

    MHP : "Well, uh..."

    GLN : "Do you think it's safe for you to drive that fast?"

    MHP : "Yes. I've been trained for high-speed pursuit."

    GLN : "Don't you think it's rather hypocritical of you to be giving me a ticket? How many wrecks have you had?"

    MHP : "That's irrelevant."

    GLN : "Did you see that?"

    MHP : "What?"

    GLN : "That black car just sideswiped your patrol car and kept going. If you hurry, you can probably catch him."

    MHP : "#@*%^$! And that's my new patrol car, too. You wait here while I apprehend that criminal!"

    GLN : "Yeah, right."
     
  8. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?

    A: Dress her up like an alter boy.
     
  9. On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

    Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

    Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get ahold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward! and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

    Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

    The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

    The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral)!

    "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."
     
  10. jezterr

    jezterr Retired Admin

    that was awesome. haven't heard that one...
     
  11. ((((RING))))

    **Pick Up**

    "Hello?"

    "Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

    "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Mike."

    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Mike."

    "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."

    Brief Pause

    "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

    "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

    A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

    "I did it Daddy."

    "And what happened honey?" he asked.

    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming! Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"

    "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Mike?"

    "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead!"

    ***Long Pause***

    ***Longer Pause**

    Then Daddy says, "SWIMMING POOL?"... Is this 486-5731?
     
  12. WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
    Body: A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected :

    A quart of orange juice

    A half gallon of 2% milk

    A carton of eggs

    A head of Romaine lettuce

    A 2 lb can of coffee and 1 lb of bacon.

    As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,

    A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
    cashier.

    While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
    "You must be single."

    The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
    the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single.

    She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
    about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
    status.

    Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
    absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

    The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly..."
     
  13. not really a joke, but still funny...
    "My heart belongs to one woman, my sperm belong to the rest of them" :mrgreen:
     
  14. The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
    He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
    could zip through traffic around town.

    He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she
    seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    "Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or
    less.
    And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

    For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
     
  15. A golfer looking for his ball in the woods when he comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"



    "I'm listening to the music of the tree."



    "You gotta be kiddin' me."



    "No, would you like to give it a try?"



    "Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree.




    With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him on the other side of the tree, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.



    Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?"



    So he tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.



    While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says,



    "This just isn't gonna be your day."
     
  16. BEER TROUBLESHOOTING CHART


    SYMPTOM
    FAULT
    ACTION


    Feet cold and wet.
    Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.


    Feet warm and wet.
    Improper bladder control.
    Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.


    Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    Glass empty.
    Get someone to buy you another beer.


    Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    You have fallen over backward.
    Have yourself lashed to bar.


    Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    You have fallen forward.
    See above.


    Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.


    Floor blurred.
    You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    Get someone to buy you another beer.


    Floor moving.
    You are being carried out..
    Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


    Room seems unusually dark.
    Bar has closed.
    Confirm home address with bartender.


    Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    Cover mouth.


    Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    You are dancing on the table.
    Fall on somebody cushy-looking.


    Beer is crystal-clear.
    It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    Punch him.


    Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    You have been in a fight.
    Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.


    Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the
    room you're in.
    You've wandered into the wrong party.
    See if they have free beer.


    Your singing sounds distorted.
    The beer is too weak.
    Have more beer until your voice improves.


    Don't remember the words to the song.
    Beer is just right.
    Play air guitar.
     
  17. do you have a bigger pic of this haha